Did You Love Him?
by cmr2014
Summary: Remembering a man down raises a hard question.
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: Trigun and its characters belong to Yasuhiro Nightow.

**Did You Love Him?**

Milly's voice rang with the conviction of her words. "Nick had his problems, but he was a good man with a good heart. He was funny and charming and kind and never said a mean word to me. He took a lot of inspiration from you, Mr. Vash, and tried to be better than he was. I'll never regret the time we had."

Glasses clinked. "To Wolfwood!"

Meryl said, "I never knew him to be a bad person except to other bad people. The fact that Milly seems to have had a special place in his heart says it all."

"To Wolfwood!"

Vash's turn. "A flawed man, a lousy preacher, and a great friend. Gone too damn soon, but he gave his life for the three of us."

"To Wolfwood!"

They raised their tumblers of scotch and drank. Wolfwood had never been much of a wine drinker, so they were using single-malt scotch instead. It was expensive, but Wolfwood had appreciated quality.

Ceremony completed, Milly excused herself from the dining room and went to stand on the back deck, alone with her thoughts.

Meryl rose from her seat at the round table to sit next to Vash, who was staring at the bottle of scotch, dark memories echoing through his mind. He was getting through to Wolfwood, at the end. He could have saved him. Milly could have had a life with him. If only things had been different. If only they'd had more time for Vash to show him what was practical wasn't always right.

_If only…_

"He was quite a man, wasn't he?"

Vash looked up at Meryl. "Yeah."

Meryl hesitantly placed a hand over his. She didn't want to go where she was headed, but had to know. "Did you love him?"

Vash blinked. "I…He understood what it's like to walk the path of violence when you don't want to. He understood that part of me. And he had my back."

"But did you love him?" Gently, but still pressing.

"I could count on him. In a sense, he knew what it was like to be me."

"_But did you love him?"_ Meryl had to know!

Vash couldn't figure out why Meryl was pushing so hard on this. How do you not love someone you've bled with?

"Yes, I loved him."

And there it was. Meryl took her hand away, willing the tears not to come. He reached for her hand again, not understanding what he'd done wrong.

"It's ok," Meryl told him. "I get it. I've wondered for so long, but now I know." Sorrow filled her, spilling over into her voice, as she rose to leave. "I could never be with you, because you love him…not me." Her voice cracked on the last part, and she turned to leave while she still could.

Comprehension dawned. Vash got up and placed his hand on her shoulder, forcefully turning her around and pulling her into his arms. Meryl brought her fists up, the tears coming in force now, and pounded at his chest to make him let go. He held tight.

"Let me go! Vash, just let me go, please! I can't take looking at you when you're in love with someone else!" She struggled to get away.

"Meryl!" Vash held her squirming form tight. "Meryl, listen to me! Not like that! We were brothers in blood, ok?"

Meryl kicked at his shins, hard. He grunted in pain, but still held on.

"Listen to me, damn it! I'm not in love with Wolfwood, _I'm in love with you!_"

Meryl stopped fighting and looked up. Vash smiled and brushed away some of her tears. "Yes, you beautiful idiot. I think you just kneecapped me, but I'm in love with you."

"What about –"

"I loved him in a way, because he understood part of me. But Meryl, you understand, too. And you do something Wolfwood couldn't."

He kissed her, and it felt like her heart was on fire. Softly, he explained: "You make me human."


	2. Chapter 2

DISCLAIMER: Trigun and its characters belong to Yasuhiro Nightow.

The ceremony was complete.

Milly looked at Meryl and Vash. He was staring at the bottle of scotch, seeing something that wasn't there. Meryl was looking down, fighting a battle within herself over something.

You couldn't celebrate Wolfwood's life without being affected by his death all over again.

Milly suddenly found it stifling in here. It was hard for her to breathe. She could feel the walls closing in around her. Meryl and Vash had something brewing that would pretty soon either make two people into one couple with its explosion, or rip them apart with its explosion; either way, an explosion would happen, and Milly wasn't sure at this moment she could take being in the blast radius.

She had to get away, had to find a way to catch her breath…

"Please excuse me." She fled onto the back deck, closing the door firmly behind her. Leaned on the railing and let the cool, dry breeze slow her heart rate.

Good things were supposed to happen if you were good. Hadn't Milly been good? Hadn't she always stuck by Meryl? Hadn't she helped take care of Vash when he needed it?

Things had turned out ok for Meryl. Vash had come back to her. She got what she wanted, as she should have.

Why didn't Milly get to have Nick?

Why did he have to die and Vash got to live? Why did Meryl's dreams come true and her dreams became nightmares? Why did she feel resentment stir deep within when she looked at Meryl and Vash?

_WHY?_

Milly would never wish ill for her friends, not truly; life without Nick just hurt so damn _bad_.

Did she love him?

It was a question she always struggled with. She had no one to compare him with. No idea of what love beyond family felt like.

Tears hit the deck rail as precious memories surfaced.

"_I'm a man of the cloth."_

_She giggled. "Do you like, make pretty dresses?"_

What an introduction.

_The bus rattled along, most of them lost in exhausted sleep after their desert ordeal. She felt something tap her shoulder. Looked up and found his eyes on hers._

"_Can I sit here?"_

"_Huh? Oh…yeah, sure." She wasn't sure why he wanted to sit next to her, after having been deep in conversation with Mr. Vash, but she didn't mind, either. He was really nice - and if you couldn't trust a priest, who _could_ you trust?_

_She stiffened at first when he put his head against her and nodded off. But when he sighed and said, "Hey, you're really comfortable," she felt something click inside and relaxed against him. He might be as skilled as Mr. Vash in bad situations, but he was no danger to her._

He was so gentle with her, always so gentle. How could a man who turned out to be so dangerous have been so gentle?

_She knew Meryl was overjoyed to see Mr. Vash hadn't been killed in the quick-draw tournament, after all. She knew Meryl's heart beat faster to see him alive. She knew this because she felt the same thing, looking at Mr. Wolfwood standing there with a cocky grin._

Good God, he was a man. Meryl loved Vash, but she preferred Nick. Ever-serious Nick. Her big bad handsome man.

_They'd been driving for so long, but at long last the town was in sight._

_His voice broke the silence that separated Meryl from Mr. Vash. "Ah, there it is! We're here; it's about time!"_

_She couldn't contain her joy at the end of such a long trip. "YAY, team! I'll have a pudding a la mode and a mocha frosty cream."_

"_Am I correct in assuming that means you're hungry?"_

_She was stunned at his near-psychic perception. "Amazing! How could you tell, Mr. Wolfwood?" _

"_I know absolutely everything about you, honey."_

There was truth in his flirtation. He saw things in her no one else did. Just as she saw the good man he couldn't bring himself to admit he was.

"_I'm staying here, Meryl. He told me to stay here. He made me promise. So I'm not moving until he comes back."_

Milly looked up at the stars, blinking away the tears that came when she thought of him. "Is that why it hurts so much when I look at Meryl and Mr. Vash, even though I'm glad they have each other? Did I love you, Nick?"

Maybe it was because her eyes were so teary, but she saw his face in the night sky. Closed her eyes. The breeze blew, ruffling her hair. She felt…_something_, like a feather-soft kiss on her lips.

Opened her eyes and smiled. She had her answer.

"I _did_ love you. I still do."

And that was ok. She didn't have to resent Meryl for having Vash while Nick was gone, because Nick wasn't really gone.

Not the most important part – the love that he left in her heart.

Milly breathed in the night air and relaxed. She was going to be ok.


End file.
